Discouraged
So far, summer has not been what it was supposed to be intellectually. At the end of every Spring, I start planning my intellectual projects for the summer - things that will validate me as a productive graduate student. This summer I was supposed to be reading for a comp (no forward progress made on that yet), working on a paper I wrote last summer and have pipe dreams of publishing (haven't even thought about it), re-reading Sources of the Self to get a better handle on how it informs my dissertation topic (yeah right!) and other small reading projects. In addition to the intellectual goals I had, I also wanted to write real letters to a different friend every week (haven't done one yet), keep my house very clean (haha! we just moved, mind you), be more devoted in spiritual disciplines (discipline? what's that?), and just be in general, a more productive person.
Some very tangible things have gotten in the way, like babysitting to make extra money, traveling, moving, being excessively tired from moving and traveling, etc. But, there are also less tangible blocks, like feeling very intellectually dry and apathetic, being distracted by other things, and feeling a general disorganization. I've read some interesting articles here and there about my potential dissertation topic, but can't even muster the motivation to blog about them.
I'm very discouraged that it's pretty much July and I haven't contacted the chair of my comp exam, finished my novel, let alone any professional books, live in a state of disarray, and feel the summer rushing away like a mad river.
That's pretty much where I'm at.
4 comments:
Um, yeah, been there. I'm there all the time in some sense, being a 24/7 perfectionist, but those seasons when you're most conscious of your goals and your spectacular failure to achieve them or even attempt to achieve them are deeply frustrating. Sometimes it feels like it's simmering all day, ready to boil over as soon as you acknowledge it, or worse, fail to do something basic like brush your teeth or feed the cat on time.
It usually helps to get one small thing done, especially if it's a small thing you've specifically been avoiding because of its annoyance factor - for me it was hauling my butt to the store for a new cell phone battery. I was repaid for my initiative with a battery sent from the warehouse (after a 3-5 day trip) which does not even go to my BRAND of phone. Awesome. Still, I feel better knowing I actually stopped avoiding ONE THING and did it. It's not a rousing epitaph, but it's better than "Here Lies A Woman Who Managed to Avoid Common Tasks with Unrelenting Consistency."
At this point, I'll take it. Good luck finding your breakthrough.
Well, sounds like you desire a real 9 to 5 life, and find yourself in academia.
I started last December 1st to plan out 2007, both business goals and personal goals. Funny thing is I never finished my goals. I have a mental plan of where I would like to go, but no written plan. I think the key is a written plan, but no, life got in the way and I never finished. Oh well.
The unrealized goals are still there, and they will be there tomorrow. When you get tired of being sick and tired, then, (if you're like me), you will take action.
The good news (it seems to me) is that you really do not have a time frame on your goals, except one that you placed on yourself. SO START OVER TOMORROW AND FORGET ABOUT WHAT YOU DIDN'T DO YET.
It's only June! There's still hope!
My struggle with perfectionism leads me to set goals that sound really great and are really ambitious, and therefore impossible to carry out.
Rica's advice is good. I've been through a Spring where I couldn't even wash the freaking dishes, let alone read more of my own books which I've bought but never read. So instead of harping on myself for the goals I failed to achieve (oh, Change the World is always on the top of my list, and how often does THAT get done?), it's good, when in an exhausted, discouraged rut, to start out simple, start out small.
Part of the thing too is that you've worked so hard over the school year that you just simply, I think, need a break. Summer, for all of our lives, has been the time to relax and play. Let yourself do a little of that -- at least give yourself a few guilt-free days a week to enjoy life and not think about school or what you're not accomplishing, and do other things instead -- maybe some of those smaller things that need doing, or else plain good old R&R. Compartmentalize!
One of the reasons I didn't graduate from GCC with a 4.0 is that I could never do work on the weekends. No matter how important the upcoming paper or exam, I just couldn't do it. I felt guilty about it for two and a half years, before I yanked the guilt out of my head and chucked it into the wall. My marks may not have been absolutely stellar, but I did well enough, and I stayed a little saner for the weekend rests.
I wish I could recover that somehow. I don't do anything on the weekends, but sometimes the 9-5 wears me out more than I can say.
Give yourself some breathing space! Enjoy the nice weather! Don't feel guilty!
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