Good news - I've been awarded a Buffett Fellowship. Bad news - it's not as much money as I requested (it's actually a third of the amount), which means I will have to modify my plan and also get a job for the summer. It's so strange. Josh always chastises me for not having confidence in myself and my abilities. What's strange is that in some deep dark secret place, I do have confidence in myself. I told him that what's strange is, I wasn't sure if I really wanted the fellowship and I found myself saying, "Darn it. I don't really want this fellowship and I know I'm going to get it." That's what happened. I got the email notifying me that I'd been selected and I said, "Oh crap. Now I have to do it."

The same thing happened last semester when I applied for my TA-ship. I thought I probably had a good chance of getting it, but was worried about actually doing it once I got it. That's the other thing I've been thinking about lately. I don't know what my problem is, but I always second guess myself and my abilities. When the director of grad studies told me last semester that he'd really like for me to TA stats, I immediately panicked and said to myself "I cannot do that." I freaked out once I actually decided to do it, and about two weeks in found myself freaking out even more saying, "Oh my God! What did I get myself into! I'm really not capable of this." But, here we are, two weeks left of the semester, and I've handled everything fine. I actually think that TA-ing for stats was the best thing I ever made myself do. For those of you who know me well you know that I suffer from severe math anxiety. I'm pleased to announce that not only have I successfully calculated my own regression equations OVER and OVER for my grad stats class - Friday I will be teaching others how to calculate regression! Who would have thought it? Actually, teaching stats has really boosted my statistical confidence and I think was a really good lesson for me. I tend to avoid things I'm scared of, and so my confidence never grows because I always avoid them. So, I'm starting to learn that maybe I do underestimate myself and maybe I am capable of much more than I give myself credit for.

So, now that I have the Buffett Fellowship, I suppose I should take it. Part of my reluctance is for the same reasons I was reluctant to teach stats. I'm thinking that I don't really have what it takes to work in this agency and to make something academically viable come out of my experience. But, perhaps I should force myself to do it in hopes of learning once again that I need to stop being so afraid of everything!!

I think part of the reason I don't want a PhD is because if I had one, I would have to do something with it - something competitive, intense and challenging. I hate all three of those things. But, deep down inside, I think I know that if I were a PhD, I'd be a pretty good one...I'm just afraid of the consequences, both of being good and being not-so-good.