Doing vs. Being
I've been feeling a considerable amount of stress these days. I'm at a point in my graduate school career where I feel more overwhelmed than I ever have before. I didn't expect this. I thought that this year would be easier seeing as my thesis is behind me and I actually now possess an M.A. I've been surprised by the way I feel. In some ways, I feel smarter and more capable. But, for the most part I feel totally overwhelmed. The other day I overheard a professor in the hallway saying "I"m so far under the water that at this point I can't even see the surface." That sums up perfectly how I feel. The other night, I was finally able to articulate why I feel this way. It all comes down to the fact that I feel as though I have a literally infinite amount of expectations that could be placed on me. I realized that being an academic is different from other jobs because it's not something you DO. It's something you ARE. Or, at least you are expected to be. I'm expected to enjoy spending two hours in a seminar that talks in circles around issues of legitimacy and authority. I'm supposed to read more than is assigned and do it because I actually want to. If I had a "normal" job, I feel like there would only be a certain range of things I'm expected to do/know and no one would judge me poorly if I didn't do/know things outside of that range when it came to performing my job. As an aspiring academic, I feel like there is no limited range. Sure, it's limited to Sociology, but what falls under the umbrella of sociology these days is enormous. There's a large overlap with history, philosophy, and even english/critical studies, to an extent. I just can't be everything I'm supposed to be.
So, a lot of the time I feel like a total poser. I can have conversations with colleagues about the consequences of the Enlightenment on moral thinking. I can have conversations about regression analysis and social "science". I can read as much social theory as I can stomach - but am I really supposed to love it? I wonder if most academics really love it? Can academics be allowed to ever just shut it off?? I have hope when I leave a colloquium and a faculty person says, "Ok, can someone fill me in on what that was about??" But, I still have doubts about how much of this is authentically me.
I think right now a lot of these feelings come out of the fact that I feel utterly overwhelmed. I just can't be everything I feel like I'm expected to be in order to be good at this thing.
**apologies for the confessional. I just wanted to put it out there. Those of you with what I've termed "normal" jobs, please correct me if my doing vs. being dichotomy is false.**
16 comments:
Mair,
I emphatically relate to everything you wrote about. Presently I am reading Max Lucado's "The Cure For The Common Lfe." The premise of the book is that God created you with a "suitcase" of "you-niqueness." Once you find that special giftedness that He created in you, your life will become happy, fulfilled, and you will love everything about it. Maybe, just maybe, your suitcase is not academia, but targeted sociology.
It may just be time for you to take a personal inventory and be honest with yourself as to what you really enjoy in your career path and that will lead you to your what Max Lucado (and many professional sports people call a "sweet spot." Once you hit the sweet spot, you know you are doing everything right.
One more thing. There is a proverb that says, "God gives you the power to earn and make wealth...AND HE ADS NO SORROW TO IT." Once you find that special thing that you were created to do, you will find no sorrow in it.
If you dislike the path that you are on I can say with all certainty that you are not in your "sweet spot" or the correct path for your perfect design.
I can already relate, and I've only been here for one month. Initially, I would have to agree with the doing v. being dichotomy. I look at the music professors here and the theology professors (who are mostly priests), and I see that what they do consumes so much of their lives that I would laugh if they ever call it their "job."
My dad puts insane hours in at work in the business grind, but I would never consider him as "being" what he does.
I started talking about my church position with the Lutherans as a "job" recently...on purpose, I think, to promote sanity. Thinking of it as a ministry (which I would do if I had more time) would probably add more pressure and connect me emotionally to the work in a way that adds stress that I don't need.
So when I leave a church service after playing for it, I do not call that "going to church." When I "go to the church", I don't have to play. So of the four services at which I was physically present, I only "went" to one of them.
I think you've hit the nail on the head in identifying the source of the stress. That the quality of work or a performance not only reflects you as a person, but then follows you afterwards, is something I would be surprised to hear someone with a "normal job" talk about.
The ability to come home from mostly preset hours of "doing" only to "be" for the rest of the day?? That's something I coveted very quickly after all of a sudden "doing, doing, doing" for 18 hours a day. And as much we might need to be more compartmentalized, and as much as I find myself compartmentalizing, there's just no room for it. You end up behind, or even more behind that you started.
It's definitely different from undergrad, and I would venture to say nothing like a "normal job". I'll suffer through the dichotomy-less life of a student, but if our fields end up always leaving us "doing" and not "being", something will have to give.
I anticipate a dichotomy in my future, which is encouraging for me now. Well, at the very least I'm hoping for one.
I remember thinking after school that I "only had to work full-time" and I wasn't the only one with that perspective. Even in undergrad I had the sense that I had to BE a student instead of just DOING the studying. It's possible to make any job your BEING, I think, which is what we accuse work-aholics of doing, but it's more prevalent (and perhaps encouraged) in academia.
Maybe greg'ry is right about academia not being the place for you, but maybe not. It's tough to discern the line between a trial in what you love and a trial because you're in the wrong place. You may just learn how to balance the academician and the regular-ole human in you. Let's put it this way: Christians talk about marriage like it's the be-all, end-all, BEST thing from God but that tends to downplay the whole IT'S A TON O' WORK. We've noted that before. It seems like the job thing could be analogous.
I also think there may also be periods of hyper-productivity in academicians followed by periods of relative normalcy. I'm probably wrong, but you don't see them every minute, so it might be less intense than you think. Maybe not, though. Thinking out loud here.
All this rambling to say that I hope you figure this out. Oh, and it's okay to rant. "It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to," to butcher a phrase.
On a lighter note, your comment about having to discuss stuff you don't understand and being expected to do it intelligently? It made me think of celebrities who get asked about politics, history, culture, ethics, etc. Just so you know, you could kick all their butts. I'll interview you on my blog where you can make pronouncements about aboriginal languages and 18th century poltics and discuss how stressful it is to be famous and moneyed.
I thought this point of yours was a brilliant insight into your situation:
"I have a literally infinite amount of expectations that could be placed on me."
In a sense, what they're doing to you isn't fair--you're simultaneously expected to be a student, a teacher, a colleague, a peer, someone who defers to authority and someone who holds forth with authority. Which hat do you wear which day?
To echo eap--I'm glad it's you in there, though. Your ability to dance between the disciples is unparalleled.
As for doing vs. being, I'm on board with that. Academics are like doctors!
"disciples" should read "disciplines." Thanks.
You guys keep me young!
I've been contemplating all of the comments and my thought is this. Everything boils down to "doing." Who you be(!??) is entirely up to you.
Clarifying: for the rest of your life people will be asking you "What do you do?" Inferring your occupation. I don't think anyone has ever asked "Who are you?" (Except the Who) when they first meet you.
I will admit that it is hard to "turn it off" when you get home from work. But your career, whether it be playing music or academic pursuit is just work. It is what you DO. It is not who you are. It is basically your "role" while your "identity" is who you are. Don't let anyone ever cause your identity to become less because maybe your role is not being performed satisfactorily. Your identity is always a "10", whereas your role could have you at a "3".
Don't let the pressures of the work world blend your identity with your role.
Does that make sense?
“Once you find that special giftedness that He created in you, your life will become happy, fulfilled, and you will love everything about it.”
I couldn’t disagree with this more. My sense is that living out your calling in service to God is walking the way of the Cross. It is bringing forth glimpses of the Paradise into the ruins of the Creation, often through struggle and suffering. The language of Good Friday is the language of the Christian life: Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani; yet because those words have been said before – and said perfectly - we live in the knowledge of the Resurrection, the reality of hope.
I don’t think that you are born with a self – an identity - fashioned by God (in the way you are born with blue eyes fashioned by God). I understand being to be contingent upon doing. That is to say that, through discipline and practice, you become by God’s grace and with His aid. The idea that God creates you with some measure of “you-niqueness” strikes me as a terrifying Deism, a world in which God makes you and then let’s you go. No, I suspect that God is actually involved in your formation, which is a process that is completed in your glorification at His return.
I also reject the “I’m okay, you’re okay” line of thinking. No, not every way of being in the world is acceptable. Yes, there are some ways of being in the world that are better than others. Yes, our lives should be dedicated to becoming a certain way.
So I take a classical humanist perspective on education. Education is one of many means by which the disciplines of doing aided you in your being. It is through often painful stretching and work that you come to be a certain way in the world. Academics as a profession – and, to a lesser degree, education as a stage of life broadly – cannot allow a sharp distinction between “doing” and “being.” Being an academic is a disposition, a way of being in the world, it is not something you do. It cannot be otherwise. That is a tremendous burden, but one that pays incredible dividends.
Now, Mair, you are at a stage in which you are becoming. My sense is that you are misinterpreting expectations. It isn’t so much that anyone expects you to be any of those things my mentioned yet, but they do expect you to be becoming those things. That is a tough process that is not pleasant, but is immensely valuable. I can’t imagine doing this work any better than you have been doing it. Your career to date is a remarkable achievement and has already shaped you for the better.
Keep struggling in the knowledge of hope.
Wow- that almost made me like my job. Almost...
I don't think that all of us are just born and left to our own devices. God knows us, even before we are born. To think that the creator did not endow us with special characteristics is unthinkable. Am I to assume that I am left to my own devices? May it never be. We all have characteristics that are unique to us. Let's call it latent capacity. For instance, leaders, and sales people are not born; they are developed. However, they have the capacity to be trained into leadership or sales. Or whatever. God has gifted them with the capacity to accept and excell in certain areas. Not everyone can be a leader. Not everyone can be a sales person. etc. But those who have been given the ability/capacity can. (And this applies to other careers, not just leadership or sales.) And God is constantly there to help us along the way. I never inferred that we were born into some future life and then left to ourselves.
I agree with the way of the Cross. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it. "..who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame.." Heb 12:2
furthermore the Kingdom of God is filled with Joy, as are the fruits of the spirit. So along the way we suffer and groan with all creation, however we are filled with joy, and we can enjoy or life, which becomes more enjoyable when we become all that we are supposed to be and not letting the world and humanistic thought dictate who we are.
very insightful, J. Morgan.
I'm with J. Morgan on discarding the pop -evangelical notion that all we have to do is find the "sweet spot" and life will be perfect, but I'm not sure if that's exactly what you were trying to say or not, Gregry. I don't think God made me so specifically that if I find that one single thing he's called me to, suddenly my boundless potential for happiness and joy will be unlocked and I'll become myself and be at peace, and all that.
Yet I think J. Morgan's taken it a bit too far, and I have to admit a certain amount of truth to that perspective. Most parents will readily admit to you that their children were born from the outset completely differently, and had different gifts and talents and aspects of their personalities manifest even as young infants. I don't believe we're born into some personal tabula rossa from which we existentially participate with God in creating our identity. I think that it's quite possible that some of it is out of our control. Blame it on our biology or on God or whatever, but I think we're born pre-disposed to be and act certain ways, and this manifests itself sometimes as "giftedness".
That said, while it's not God's fault, work is cursed, and nothing you do is ultimately fulfilling. Every job is a job sometimes. As to your separation from the academic world and the "real job" world, Mair, I'd probably tend to agree. I'm certainly rewarded and to an extent expected to stay abreast of current events in my web development field, but if I don't, they're not going to fire me. At worst they'll recommend a book or a website for me to read. And no one's expected to keep track of all of it. I'm sure certain other professions, such as being a lawyer or judge or news person, can dominate ones life to a much greater extent than this, but I'd put Academics quite high on the spectrum, and most of the rest of our jobs much lower.
That said, I fight compartmentalism (for PMers, "fragmentation") in my life by trying to let the my "other" life influence my work as equally as my work influences the rest of my life. The danger in separating work and personal life in my mind is the creation of separate personas for these two arenas. I believe part of being a healthy person is being whole, and while work can sometimes dominate my free time, I try to make sure my life and personality are honestly represented in who I am at work and how I accomplish the tasks I'm given. I know that's not quite what you're talking about, but it seems to fit.
Sorry to ramble - I'll cut it off here. Great post! Sorry things are hectic, and I hope those video games I sent Josh can help spice up your life a little too.
Thank you to everyone who responded on this post. At this point, I'm not going to weigh in on the ontological/teleological debate I accidentally started. Why, you ask? Well, because I'm tired. That's right. I think the genesis (ontology???) of this post is what I realized last night:
I am currently in my 19th year of nearly consecutive formal education. (Ok, so I took one year off to work at a photography studio...that doesn't really count). After this year, I will have completed 19 years of course work. I'm nearing my 26th birhtday...do the math and you'll see perhaps why I'm tired.
That being said, I think, and I hope, that my malaise will lift as this academic year draws to a close, since it will be last last year of course work. Then, I can stop reading things I"m not interested in and spend more time doing the things I care about in the Academy. Maybe that will help.
Good word Redhurt.
I am a person that totally believes in the providence of God in all things. One reading of Eccliastes will tell you exactly what you said: work is cursed. Blame it on Adam and Eve. If it weren't for them, we would all be naked and still in the garden. However, it really is possible to find your perfect place and it does take a lot of searching. Check this one out of Proverbs: "Man plans his course, but God determines his steps."
Mair, good discovery in your tiredness post. Yes, once you get to a place where you are no longer required to read stuff you don't want to, life will be way better.
I just tend to think that "finding our place" is one of the many "already/not yet" characteristics about Christianity - we can, to an extent, find it here, and find things that are enjoyable and appeal to the way we've both been designed and developed as human beings, but it's not going to satisfy ultimately, and at some times will still frustrate us. There is no perfect job just like their are no perfect spouses or perfect neighbors, but some are certainly better than others. Working and vocation can involve a lot of providence and inspiration, but it will also inevitably require working through the painful dysfunction of our broken world.
That sounds about right, Mair. I think maybe you need a vacation. Maybe a vacation out west, near the mountains. It's relaxing - you should try it.
I just tend to think that "finding our place" is one of the many "already/not yet" characteristics about Christianity - we can, to an extent, find it here, and find things that are enjoyable and appeal to the way we've both been designed and developed as human beings, but it's not going to satisfy ultimately, and at some times will still frustrate us. There is no perfect job just like their are no perfect spouses or perfect neighbors, but some are certainly better than others. Working and vocation can involve a lot of providence and inspiration, but it will also inevitably require working through the painful dysfunction of our broken world.
That sounds about right, Mair. I think maybe you need a vacation. Maybe a vacation out west, near the mountains. It's relaxing - you should try it.
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