Yes, my posting as of late has been sparse and un-interesting. I'm sorry. It's time to spill all (or perhaps...most).

I've been hating on my life one small tidbit at a time these days. Most of it is because I really hate being in graduate school right now. I'm frustrated with all of the work I'm doing and with feeling like I am aimlessly wandering around a department I don't feel a sense of belonging in. Yes, I have a few real friends from the department. But, they, like me, are the ones who don't feel particularly compelled to be in grad school right now either - at least not here. I get along with most of my colleagues, but that's largely because they don't really know me. If they did, they wouldn't like me. I'm good at playing their game and keeping my real opinions and motivations low key. My saving grace has been the community that God has blessed Joshua and I with - outside of the department - namely from church and some dear souls that Josh works with (who are only peripherally related to the soc department).


A large proportion of my dissatisfaction has come from my thesis stress. I know, and have known all along, what I want to study. The problem has always been finding the right data and methods to answer my questions. Today, a sparkle of hope pierced into my endless distress. Realizing that today was technically the last day to turn in my thesis intent form, I walked wearily into my advisors office. "Steve..." I said, "I know what I want to do, but I can't find any data." All of a sudden, he exclaimed, "Oh my gosh! I don't know why I haven't thought of this before!" and he thrust into my hands the codebook for a data set that he himself collected for a project on covenant marriage in Louisiana. It contains within everything you wish to know about recently married, and mostly childless couples. I can use this to study men who aren't fathers and see what kinds of things are related to their thoughts, feelings and attitudes about children, parenting, etc. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. I have yet to identify the variables I need, but at least I feel more direction than I did yesterday.

I am still struggling with the larger questions. Do I stay here for a PhD? Do I take time off after my masters? Do I want a PhD at all? My friend and colleague Tony recently told me that he thinks I know all of the answers, but I'm not ready to accept them. I think he may be right...so I guess I just have to struggle a little bit longer until I feel at peace with my decisions and with where my life may go.

I've been clinging these days to the words of an old hymn, recorded by Jars of Clay on their newest album (which I highly recommend)....

Admist the sorrows of the way,
Lord Jesus, teach my soul to pray.
Let me taste Thy special grace
And run to Christ, my hiding place.